[Now Cloud's focus is entirely on Allen as he frowns deeply.]
Experimenting with souls to make monsters. Now that's familiar. Never heard of Akuma, but where I'm from, souls return to the planet when they die. To the Lifestream. And some assholes figured out how to extract and refine pure Lifestream for power.
[He glances down at his own upturned palm for a moment. Mako is ultimately made of souls, and like everything else Shinra made, he's powered by it, too.
But he looks back up at Allen soon enough.]
You can see 'em. Guessing that means other people can't?
The Earl goes to people who have just lost someone they love and tells them he can give them back. If they say yes... he forces the ghost to kill the person who loved them and live within their body.
[It's a monstrous act. So much so that say that feels redundant. He touches his left eye for a moment.]
No, they can't. That's why Exorcists wear this uniform. Akuma are driven to try to kill Exorcists, so we draw their attacks as much as we can. [As most Exorcists can't see the Akuma until after they evolve into a more monstrous form, they're often a bit jumpy.]
[Cloud's eyes widen in an alarmed sort of horror. If such a thing had happened when he'd lost - well, any of the loved ones he's let die lost, he knows himself well enough to know he'd probably have said yes too, eventually.]
What's the point? What's he get out of that?
[Cloud tilts his head slightly with another curious look at that scar, but he doesn't ask.]
He wants to destroy the world, but I think the point of doing it that way is because he enjoys inflicting pain.
[Allen doesn't hate many people. There are days when he doesn't even hate the Millennium Earl. Then there are times when all he can remember the weight of his dead father on his ten year old shoulders and the Millennium Earl smiling down at him. He shakes his head.]
The only thing I can do for the dead back home is let them rest. Set them free. Here... You chose to come here for a reason. [He rubs the back of his neck, sheepish.] I don't expect you share that with a stranger, but someone will know eventually. So it only seems fair to share the life that brought me here. [He has several stark examples of what a lack of information can do to your choices.]
[It's all too easy to go back in Cloud's memories to a time when Sephiroth spoke that way, too. Good, Cloud. Fill your empty heart with rage. Through suffering, you will grow strong. Isn't that what you want?]
...yeah. People who wanna destroy the world usually do.
[Not anymore, though. Cloud wonders what would happen if this Earl showed up on the Barge. Would he eventually find something better to live for, too? ...then Cloud remembers what seems to have been Sephiroth's 'something better' and decides to end that train of thought right there.]
So...you're here to help the dead.
[Cloud wrestles for a moment with the idea of telling this stranger anything. He doesn't think Allen's intention was to make him feel obliged to return the favor, and he doesn't really feel obliged anyway. But what good is having a warden who knows nothing about him? Still...ugh, this was easier when he met Yunlan who already knew everything important.
He sits forward to lean his elbows on his knees, head slightly bowed to let his hair fall over his face a bit. He finally does speak, in somewhat of a subdued tone.]
Somebody tried to destroy my world, too. Almost succeeded. I stopped him, but...that wasn't the end of it. The consequences of everything he did, everything I did...threatened humanity all over again. I dealt with it like an asshole, and in return it took me out. Me, and a lot of others.
[Vague enough not to feel too personal, but gets across enough to give some idea of why he's here - at least, he thinks so. After all, every inmate's got debts to pay and mistakes to make up for. Not like he was gonna be able to tell any of his story without taking responsibility for something.
Besides, it's in his best interests to at least let Allen know he's not some kind of murderous creep.]
"...I know. But I... Even so, I still want to be a destroyer who can save others."
Allen still remembers those words, from so long ago. He doesn't know if he has managed to do anything but destroy.
He looks down at his hands.]
...I would like to help the dead in a way that's not just destroying them. It's kind of a selfish wish...
[The Barge offers a chance for it to not only to be selfish.]
I think about that sometimes: what will happen when we stop the Earl. There will still be consequences. Not ones that threaten the world [hopefully], but all those people will still be dead. The pain they left behind will still be there. Everything the Black Order has done to stop him.
Even if it turns out it was truly needed to save the world, it doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. We'll still have to bear that guilt. Even before there's some sort of 'end'...
Just before I came here, there were already consequences to some of the experiments they've done. Alma killed a lot of people. He would've killed if more if he could. I still chose to send him to a place where he could have peace in the time he had left, away from the Order. [He laughs a little, regaining his smile.]. Against their orders, so I lost my job for that. If the Admiral hadn't offered me a job, I'd probably be back to street performance!
There's nothing wrong with it, but you often spend most of time broke. There's a lot of just scraping by hoping the tricks you know will get you enough so you can eat, and if it's enough for food it's not always enough for a place to sleep that isn't in some alley.
[After a moment's thought he adds:] In my experience.
[It's a bit of an odd thought to Cloud, whose most relevant city experience was in Midgar, where the poor and the well-to-do were separated by a massive vertical distance. And then Edge, in which pretty much everyone is poor other than Rufus Shinra, who lives like a hermit anyway.]
No, nothing like that. Though they do provide lots of food, as well as everything else! [Food is the most pressing point, though he does like to have a place to sleep, clothes and everything else the Black Order offers.]
You're born an Exorcist, though a lot of people never know unless they come into contact with a fragment of Innocence they bond to. I was born with mine, so I learned about them when I was pretty young. I spent a while training after that, before I joined the Black Order.
[None of this sounds familiar at all to Cloud. The only inherited power he knows of is...well, Aerith's, and she certainly knew her origins from the beginning.]
That's what we call our anti-Akuma weapons. You have to be able to connect to a fragment to be an Exorcist. For most people, it takes the form of a piece of... equipment.
It's why Akuma try to kill Exorcists [which is useful in flushing them out. The Earl wants every fragment of Innocence destroyed, so no one can stop him.
Perhaps it's because it's because they're crystal's of God.
[He rubs the back of his neck.]
I don't really know. If you need something, I'll try my best to get it for you. It seems like sometimes that's the best a temporary warden can do. But I guess I'd also say... what do you think it takes to make up for a mistake? Is walking away at the end truly enough? [Because it seems to him that Cloud had said it was enough for Allen, but he doesn't know if he applies that same standard to himself.]
[He knows that everyone's 'graduation' is different, so he can't claim to certainty in how to help someone get there, but he thinks that being able to lay out what might have brought someone to the Barge can be the first step to dealing with it.]
[Another moment of silence, as Cloud considers what to say. There's a lot he could say - not like he's been lacking for time to wallow in his thoughts - but he's not sure where to draw the line, here. Probably somewhere between "because I'm an asshole" and "to wait for death."]
Gave up. On pretty much everything. Friends, family, the future...
[Without realizing it, he brings his right hand up to grip his left arm for a moment; his right arm is exposed, but his left wears a long, flowing sleeve.]
I believe that I was right to disobey the Black Order, when I did, but I'm not sure I was right to walk away. I'm... dangerous. Maybe it would've been safer for the world if I stayed locked up.
In not giving up, I might have doomed people I love.
If I made the wrong choice and I ended up here for it... I would still believe that the only way to really move forward would still be to find some sort of belief in the future.
I know there are circumstances where it would be better if I was locked up - if it was some place secure. But that's only partly because of me. [He considers it entirely his fault, for the failure of self-control, but he wouldn't blame someone else in his situation the same way.]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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Experimenting with souls to make monsters. Now that's familiar. Never heard of Akuma, but where I'm from, souls return to the planet when they die. To the Lifestream. And some assholes figured out how to extract and refine pure Lifestream for power.
[He glances down at his own upturned palm for a moment. Mako is ultimately made of souls, and like everything else Shinra made, he's powered by it, too.
But he looks back up at Allen soon enough.]
You can see 'em. Guessing that means other people can't?
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[It's a monstrous act. So much so that say that feels redundant. He touches his left eye for a moment.]
No, they can't. That's why Exorcists wear this uniform. Akuma are driven to try to kill Exorcists, so we draw their attacks as much as we can. [As most Exorcists can't see the Akuma until after they evolve into a more monstrous form, they're often a bit jumpy.]
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let dielost, he knows himself well enough to know he'd probably have said yes too, eventually.]What's the point? What's he get out of that?
[Cloud tilts his head slightly with another curious look at that scar, but he doesn't ask.]
Mm. Why are you telling me all this?
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[Allen doesn't hate many people. There are days when he doesn't even hate the Millennium Earl. Then there are times when all he can remember the weight of his dead father on his ten year old shoulders and the Millennium Earl smiling down at him. He shakes his head.]
The only thing I can do for the dead back home is let them rest. Set them free. Here... You chose to come here for a reason. [He rubs the back of his neck, sheepish.] I don't expect you share that with a stranger, but someone will know eventually. So it only seems fair to share the life that brought me here. [He has several stark examples of what a lack of information can do to your choices.]
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Good, Cloud. Fill your empty heart with rage.
Through suffering, you will grow strong. Isn't that what you want?]
...yeah. People who wanna destroy the world usually do.
[Not anymore, though. Cloud wonders what would happen if this Earl showed up on the Barge. Would he eventually find something better to live for, too? ...then Cloud remembers what seems to have been Sephiroth's 'something better' and decides to end that train of thought right there.]
So...you're here to help the dead.
[Cloud wrestles for a moment with the idea of telling this stranger anything. He doesn't think Allen's intention was to make him feel obliged to return the favor, and he doesn't really feel obliged anyway. But what good is having a warden who knows nothing about him? Still...ugh, this was easier when he met Yunlan who already knew everything important.
He sits forward to lean his elbows on his knees, head slightly bowed to let his hair fall over his face a bit. He finally does speak, in somewhat of a subdued tone.]
Somebody tried to destroy my world, too. Almost succeeded. I stopped him, but...that wasn't the end of it. The consequences of everything he did, everything I did...threatened humanity all over again. I dealt with it like an asshole, and in return it took me out. Me, and a lot of others.
[Vague enough not to feel too personal, but gets across enough to give some idea of why he's here - at least, he thinks so. After all, every inmate's got debts to pay and mistakes to make up for. Not like he was gonna be able to tell any of his story without taking responsibility for something.
Besides, it's in his best interests to at least let Allen know he's not some kind of murderous creep.]
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"...I know. But I... Even so, I still want to be a destroyer who can save others."
Allen still remembers those words, from so long ago. He doesn't know if he has managed to do anything but destroy.
He looks down at his hands.]
...I would like to help the dead in a way that's not just destroying them. It's kind of a selfish wish...
[The Barge offers a chance for it to not only to be selfish.]
I think about that sometimes: what will happen when we stop the Earl. There will still be consequences. Not ones that threaten the world [hopefully], but all those people will still be dead. The pain they left behind will still be there. Everything the Black Order has done to stop him.
Even if it turns out it was truly needed to save the world, it doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. We'll still have to bear that guilt. Even before there's some sort of 'end'...
Just before I came here, there were already consequences to some of the experiments they've done. Alma killed a lot of people. He would've killed if more if he could. I still chose to send him to a place where he could have peace in the time he had left, away from the Order. [He laughs a little, regaining his smile.]. Against their orders, so I lost my job for that. If the Admiral hadn't offered me a job, I'd probably be back to street performance!
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[Cloud speaks from experience; he learned this from Zack, back then.
He listens to Allen's musing thoughtfully, looking a bit grim at the mention of bearing the guilt. But then--]
Nothin' wrong with street performance. But you did what you thought was right, that's the important thing. Not all orders oughta be followed.
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[After a moment's thought he adds:] In my experience.
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[It's a bit of an odd thought to Cloud, whose most relevant city experience was in Midgar, where the poor and the well-to-do were separated by a massive vertical distance. And then Edge, in which pretty much everyone is poor other than Rufus Shinra, who lives like a hermit anyway.]
That why you joined up with the Exorcists?
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You're born an Exorcist, though a lot of people never know unless they come into contact with a fragment of Innocence they bond to. I was born with mine, so I learned about them when I was pretty young. I spent a while training after that, before I joined the Black Order.
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[None of this sounds familiar at all to Cloud. The only inherited power he knows of is...well, Aerith's, and she certainly knew her origins from the beginning.]
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That's what we call our anti-Akuma weapons. You have to be able to connect to a fragment to be an Exorcist. For most people, it takes the form of a piece of... equipment.
It's why Akuma try to kill Exorcists [which is useful in flushing them out. The Earl wants every fragment of Innocence destroyed, so no one can stop him.
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[Cloud does appreciate all of this information about his new warden, but once he's got his answer to that...]
Hold up. This is good to know and all, but I need to know what I should be expecting from you. What do you plan to actually do?
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[He rubs the back of his neck.]
I don't really know. If you need something, I'll try my best to get it for you. It seems like sometimes that's the best a temporary warden can do. But I guess I'd also say... what do you think it takes to make up for a mistake? Is walking away at the end truly enough? [Because it seems to him that Cloud had said it was enough for Allen, but he doesn't know if he applies that same standard to himself.]
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The question prompts a bit of silence before he responds.]
Depends. For you, walking away was the brave thing to do. But sometimes...walking away is the mistake.
[It's not hard to guess that Cloud's speaking from experience.]
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[He knows that everyone's 'graduation' is different, so he can't claim to certainty in how to help someone get there, but he thinks that being able to lay out what might have brought someone to the Barge can be the first step to dealing with it.]
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Gave up. On pretty much everything. Friends, family, the future...
[Without realizing it, he brings his right hand up to grip his left arm for a moment; his right arm is exposed, but his left wears a long, flowing sleeve.]
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I believe that I was right to disobey the Black Order, when I did, but I'm not sure I was right to walk away. I'm... dangerous. Maybe it would've been safer for the world if I stayed locked up.
In not giving up, I might have doomed people I love.
If I made the wrong choice and I ended up here for it... I would still believe that the only way to really move forward would still be to find some sort of belief in the future.
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Nah. If that were true, you wouldn't be a warden.
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[He’s pretty sure he’s met wardens who’ve fallen into at least one of the categories.]
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[Not that Cloud's any kind of expert or anything, clearly. But it's the impression he's gotten.]
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I know there are circumstances where it would be better if I was locked up - if it was some place secure. But that's only partly because of me. [He considers it entirely his fault, for the failure of self-control, but he wouldn't blame someone else in his situation the same way.]
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[Cloud sits in awkward silence for a moment.]
You get what you needed from me?
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Thank you for talking to be. I won't keep you.
I hope you'll ask if you need anything.