"...I know. But I... Even so, I still want to be a destroyer who can save others."
Allen still remembers those words, from so long ago. He doesn't know if he has managed to do anything but destroy.
He looks down at his hands.]
...I would like to help the dead in a way that's not just destroying them. It's kind of a selfish wish...
[The Barge offers a chance for it to not only to be selfish.]
I think about that sometimes: what will happen when we stop the Earl. There will still be consequences. Not ones that threaten the world [hopefully], but all those people will still be dead. The pain they left behind will still be there. Everything the Black Order has done to stop him.
Even if it turns out it was truly needed to save the world, it doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. We'll still have to bear that guilt. Even before there's some sort of 'end'...
Just before I came here, there were already consequences to some of the experiments they've done. Alma killed a lot of people. He would've killed if more if he could. I still chose to send him to a place where he could have peace in the time he had left, away from the Order. [He laughs a little, regaining his smile.]. Against their orders, so I lost my job for that. If the Admiral hadn't offered me a job, I'd probably be back to street performance!
There's nothing wrong with it, but you often spend most of time broke. There's a lot of just scraping by hoping the tricks you know will get you enough so you can eat, and if it's enough for food it's not always enough for a place to sleep that isn't in some alley.
[After a moment's thought he adds:] In my experience.
[It's a bit of an odd thought to Cloud, whose most relevant city experience was in Midgar, where the poor and the well-to-do were separated by a massive vertical distance. And then Edge, in which pretty much everyone is poor other than Rufus Shinra, who lives like a hermit anyway.]
No, nothing like that. Though they do provide lots of food, as well as everything else! [Food is the most pressing point, though he does like to have a place to sleep, clothes and everything else the Black Order offers.]
You're born an Exorcist, though a lot of people never know unless they come into contact with a fragment of Innocence they bond to. I was born with mine, so I learned about them when I was pretty young. I spent a while training after that, before I joined the Black Order.
[None of this sounds familiar at all to Cloud. The only inherited power he knows of is...well, Aerith's, and she certainly knew her origins from the beginning.]
That's what we call our anti-Akuma weapons. You have to be able to connect to a fragment to be an Exorcist. For most people, it takes the form of a piece of... equipment.
It's why Akuma try to kill Exorcists [which is useful in flushing them out. The Earl wants every fragment of Innocence destroyed, so no one can stop him.
Perhaps it's because it's because they're crystal's of God.
[He rubs the back of his neck.]
I don't really know. If you need something, I'll try my best to get it for you. It seems like sometimes that's the best a temporary warden can do. But I guess I'd also say... what do you think it takes to make up for a mistake? Is walking away at the end truly enough? [Because it seems to him that Cloud had said it was enough for Allen, but he doesn't know if he applies that same standard to himself.]
[He knows that everyone's 'graduation' is different, so he can't claim to certainty in how to help someone get there, but he thinks that being able to lay out what might have brought someone to the Barge can be the first step to dealing with it.]
[Another moment of silence, as Cloud considers what to say. There's a lot he could say - not like he's been lacking for time to wallow in his thoughts - but he's not sure where to draw the line, here. Probably somewhere between "because I'm an asshole" and "to wait for death."]
Gave up. On pretty much everything. Friends, family, the future...
[Without realizing it, he brings his right hand up to grip his left arm for a moment; his right arm is exposed, but his left wears a long, flowing sleeve.]
I believe that I was right to disobey the Black Order, when I did, but I'm not sure I was right to walk away. I'm... dangerous. Maybe it would've been safer for the world if I stayed locked up.
In not giving up, I might have doomed people I love.
If I made the wrong choice and I ended up here for it... I would still believe that the only way to really move forward would still be to find some sort of belief in the future.
I know there are circumstances where it would be better if I was locked up - if it was some place secure. But that's only partly because of me. [He considers it entirely his fault, for the failure of self-control, but he wouldn't blame someone else in his situation the same way.]
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"...I know. But I... Even so, I still want to be a destroyer who can save others."
Allen still remembers those words, from so long ago. He doesn't know if he has managed to do anything but destroy.
He looks down at his hands.]
...I would like to help the dead in a way that's not just destroying them. It's kind of a selfish wish...
[The Barge offers a chance for it to not only to be selfish.]
I think about that sometimes: what will happen when we stop the Earl. There will still be consequences. Not ones that threaten the world [hopefully], but all those people will still be dead. The pain they left behind will still be there. Everything the Black Order has done to stop him.
Even if it turns out it was truly needed to save the world, it doesn't mean it wasn't wrong. We'll still have to bear that guilt. Even before there's some sort of 'end'...
Just before I came here, there were already consequences to some of the experiments they've done. Alma killed a lot of people. He would've killed if more if he could. I still chose to send him to a place where he could have peace in the time he had left, away from the Order. [He laughs a little, regaining his smile.]. Against their orders, so I lost my job for that. If the Admiral hadn't offered me a job, I'd probably be back to street performance!
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[Cloud speaks from experience; he learned this from Zack, back then.
He listens to Allen's musing thoughtfully, looking a bit grim at the mention of bearing the guilt. But then--]
Nothin' wrong with street performance. But you did what you thought was right, that's the important thing. Not all orders oughta be followed.
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[After a moment's thought he adds:] In my experience.
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[It's a bit of an odd thought to Cloud, whose most relevant city experience was in Midgar, where the poor and the well-to-do were separated by a massive vertical distance. And then Edge, in which pretty much everyone is poor other than Rufus Shinra, who lives like a hermit anyway.]
That why you joined up with the Exorcists?
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You're born an Exorcist, though a lot of people never know unless they come into contact with a fragment of Innocence they bond to. I was born with mine, so I learned about them when I was pretty young. I spent a while training after that, before I joined the Black Order.
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[None of this sounds familiar at all to Cloud. The only inherited power he knows of is...well, Aerith's, and she certainly knew her origins from the beginning.]
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That's what we call our anti-Akuma weapons. You have to be able to connect to a fragment to be an Exorcist. For most people, it takes the form of a piece of... equipment.
It's why Akuma try to kill Exorcists [which is useful in flushing them out. The Earl wants every fragment of Innocence destroyed, so no one can stop him.
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[Cloud does appreciate all of this information about his new warden, but once he's got his answer to that...]
Hold up. This is good to know and all, but I need to know what I should be expecting from you. What do you plan to actually do?
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[He rubs the back of his neck.]
I don't really know. If you need something, I'll try my best to get it for you. It seems like sometimes that's the best a temporary warden can do. But I guess I'd also say... what do you think it takes to make up for a mistake? Is walking away at the end truly enough? [Because it seems to him that Cloud had said it was enough for Allen, but he doesn't know if he applies that same standard to himself.]
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The question prompts a bit of silence before he responds.]
Depends. For you, walking away was the brave thing to do. But sometimes...walking away is the mistake.
[It's not hard to guess that Cloud's speaking from experience.]
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[He knows that everyone's 'graduation' is different, so he can't claim to certainty in how to help someone get there, but he thinks that being able to lay out what might have brought someone to the Barge can be the first step to dealing with it.]
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Gave up. On pretty much everything. Friends, family, the future...
[Without realizing it, he brings his right hand up to grip his left arm for a moment; his right arm is exposed, but his left wears a long, flowing sleeve.]
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I believe that I was right to disobey the Black Order, when I did, but I'm not sure I was right to walk away. I'm... dangerous. Maybe it would've been safer for the world if I stayed locked up.
In not giving up, I might have doomed people I love.
If I made the wrong choice and I ended up here for it... I would still believe that the only way to really move forward would still be to find some sort of belief in the future.
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Nah. If that were true, you wouldn't be a warden.
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[He’s pretty sure he’s met wardens who’ve fallen into at least one of the categories.]
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[Not that Cloud's any kind of expert or anything, clearly. But it's the impression he's gotten.]
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I know there are circumstances where it would be better if I was locked up - if it was some place secure. But that's only partly because of me. [He considers it entirely his fault, for the failure of self-control, but he wouldn't blame someone else in his situation the same way.]
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[Cloud sits in awkward silence for a moment.]
You get what you needed from me?
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Thank you for talking to be. I won't keep you.
I hope you'll ask if you need anything.