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[nimbuster]

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[nimbuster]

The ribbon... [Cloud glances back at it, nestled in her hair as always.] That was from Zack?

[He can't help glancing down at the matching one he wears around his right bicep. They really were all so connected, weren't they? And she wears pink all the time now...that was for Zack, too, he supposes. No wonder she was immediately drawn to Cloud when they met. That torch was really burning bright, and he never knew. It's a sobering thought, but not one for right now.

Right now, he has more truths to lay bare.]

Most of what happened on the hike up Mt. Nibel, I had right, except of course it was Zack who chatted with Sephiroth and showed off his fiend-killing skills for us. [That has the slightest of smiles pulling at his lips.] I loved watching him fight. It was impressive, sure, but to me, he was an inspiration. I thought, if I could figure out how to be more like Zack, maybe then I'd make SOLDIER. Become a hero. ...embrace my dreams, like he always said.

I did my part, though. Even saved Zack once or twice - he kept turning his back on the enemies without making sure they were dead first. And I was a damn good shot with a rifle. [That much, he can be proud of now, after the fact.]

Up at the reactor...I never went inside that day. I was the one who stayed out front to keep an eye on Tifa. But everything I told you about what happened in there was true.

[planetdialup]

Uh huh. He bought for me- as a gift. I'd helped him when we met and...that was the start of everything.

[It's funny to confess it. It seems so long ago now, for so many. But she still remembered. Still keeps two pieces of her heart right there- one, from her mother, the other from her love. It was little wonder she was drawn to him, maybe as much as he was to her. Zack was what brought them together, even after his death.

Maybe Cloud was a person Zack had mentioned, during one of their many calls. Not when it was just the two of them, she thought. That time- it was for each other.

But she listened quietly. Zack...shining brightly. Eliminating threats, filled with honor and hope. There was a worse person to take after, fight like, then Zack Fair.

Hearing that Cloud had to come in later...after Zack fought Sephiroth, a man he no doubt admired greatly...that had to be hard for both of them.]

You still were there, in the end right? And you helped Zack, were his friend.

[More then any other SOLIDER. Technical details aside.]

But...Cloud, there were years when you two went missing.

[Is he ready? She doesn't know. But she'll listen.]

[nimbuster]

Yeah? Helped him how?

[Zack brought them together...in some ways, that's what Cloud's worried about. But now's not the time for that. Not yet.]

Mm. When Sephiroth went back up there to take Jenova's head, I did follow him, but by the time I got there, Zack had already fought him and lost. I stabbed Sephiroth with Zack's sword. Buster was his, not mine. Sephiroth was pissed, Zack told me to finish him off, so...I did. Threw him into the reactor. But Zack and I both would've bled out, except...Hojo took us to his lab.

[This is harder to talk about. He still doesn't remember most of that time, not in detail. But it's important, and she has to know. His eyes are fixed on the bartop, now.]

We were there for four years before Zack got us out. Experimented on us the same way he experimented on the other survivors, but Zack was pretty much immune to the worst of it.

[His expression twists into something darker.]

Not me, though. No idea how long it took, but by the time Zack busted us out, I'd been out of commission for a while already. Severe mako poisoning. Hojo figured I wouldn't survive. I shouldn't have. But...Zack took me with him. On the run for another year or so, always on the move, nowhere was safe, but he...he still dragged my useless ass all over the continent. Even though the chances I'd ever recover were close to none. He...kept me alive, kept me safe, that whole time.

[Cloud has to pause; he can feel his throat tightening up and he doesn't want to cry. Not here, not now.]

[planetdialup]

He got lost in the slums. I helped him find his way back up to the plates.

[And a couple of other things, but that was the gist of it. She goes quiet again, listening to the background. So...Cloud had finished him off. Threw him in even, which made her lips quirked. That sounded like something Cloud would do.

But the experiments...she winces, and her grip tightens on his hands briefly. Oh. She knows. She knows it very well.

She supposed Zack had already been augmented. It might have been it. But...four years. Four years. That had to be so hard on both of them.

And mako poisoning...that would explain the mako blue of Cloud's eyes.]

And you beat the odds. Again, and again. Cloud...

I know you don't want to hear this but...you really are amazing.

[nimbuster]

Got lost...course he did. [Cloud's tone is fond; Zack is many things, but a savvy navigator, he is not.

Aerith is right: Cloud really doesn't want to hear that he's amazing. Not for this. Not for surviving this. He shakes his head, jaw clenched, but he still holds onto her hands.]

I didn't beat shit. It was all Zack. Worked himself to exhaustion keeping us both out of Shinra's grasp. ...he had a plan. I kinda remember bits and pieces of that year, more closer to the end of it. He told me we were gonna become mercs together in Midgar.

[We're friends, right?]

And he was headed back to Midgar to see you. If...if it wasn't for me slowing him down, he would've gotten back to you so much sooner. Would've gotten back to you at all. Instead, he...

[No, he has to stop again. He finds himself squeezing Aerith's hands a little too tightly and quickly eases up, taking in a slightly shaky breath and letting it out, swallowing hard. He's gotta get through this story. She has to know.]

...Zack died...because of me. We were so close, but Shinra caught up to us. Sent in the army. And Zack, he...

[The price of freedom is steep.]

He fought them all. All by himself. Held them off. Protected me, knowing there was no getting out of there alive. Knowing it might all be for nothing. And I...knew, when he walked away, he wasn't coming back. Wanted to stop him, but I couldn't. Couldn't do anything.

[He's told the story before, but never to the love of Zack's life. Never to a woman who loved Zack so much she waited for him for five long years, hoping against hope that he was still alive and would come back to her.

Except he wasn't, and never would. Because of Cloud.]

[planetdialup]

[Oh.

She would have liked to it go on about Zack getting lost, some of the silly things he did with his boundless energy. The puppy bouncing before he sobered- after Angeal broke his heart. She remembered that.

To hear that he had been coming back to her, to find her- she would have hid them. If she could have- helped them both hide. Made sure all three of them would have been on the run together. But Shinra...did what Shinra did.

Took care what it thought would be an embarrassment, should Zack and Cloud told their story to the media. It had lost too many first class SOLIDERs already. It was all...so, so awful.

Aerith had to close her eyes, tipping her head down. She was quiet, and her shoulders shook once. He'd been so close.

No wonder she'd felt his death.]

Cloud...

[She shook her head, and her hands squeezed his. Not as tight. But gently. So gently.]

Don't take his choice away from him.

[nimbuster]

[Cloud still doesn't know what happened to Angeal, what he did to Zack. Why Zack changed his hair that day, gave that speech that changed Cloud's life. Cloud never asked. He was too chickenshit.

There's a moment, a long moment, while Aerith bows her head, where Cloud wants to just stop here. He doesn't know if he's ready to tell her the rest. The worst part - worse even than Zack's death, which as she points out was Zack's own choice. At least Zack did it knowingly and willingly. The rest is something Cloud did to his memory. His legacy. But Aerith ought to hear what he did from him.]

I...

[His shoulders slump.]

I'm sorry. You're right, I know. I just...wish I could have helped him, at least. Supported him the way he always supported me. All I could do was sit there and listen.

[Zack's battle cries, fewer and weaker as the fight stretched on. Gunfire...so much gunfire. The sounds of Zack's pain, every bullet that pierced his armor or slipped past Buster's blade, his labored breathing by the end...that haunting cacophony, Cloud now remembers all too well.]

[planetdialup]

[Some day, Aerith will tell Cloud why she is so angry at Angeal. She can be friendly with the SOLIDER, but the fact is, she is still so very upset. For Zack's sake, not hers.

No one else saw Zack break down after, unable to do more then cry.]

No...I get it. I really do.

[Another Hans squeeze. Knowing that someone had protected you for so long? Helped you escape experiment after experiment? Was going out there to die and you couldn't do anything about it?

It hurt.]

It must have been terrible.

[And heart breaking. Zack was a first class, meant to go against armies. It must have taken...forever.]

[nimbuster]

[Much too long. It truly felt like forever to Cloud at the time. He nods a bit.]

Couldn't tell you why, but somehow by the time it was over, I was able to drag myself over to him. He really did take down the whole army on his own. He was...incredible. But...when I got to him, he was bleeding out. He told me...

[For all the things Cloud still has trouble remembering with clarity, Zack's words that day are etched indelibly in his memory. He closes his eyes as he speaks them to Aerith.]

That I'd live for the both of us. That I'd be...his living legacy. That his honor, his dreams...were mine now. He gave me his sword, and he...he smiled. And I...

[Cloud's eyes open again, but he stares into the middle distance.]

I swore I'd never forget. But...it was a promise I couldn't keep.

[planetdialup]

[It'd drive her crazy, hearing and being unable to help.

And the worst of it was...Cloud having to crawl to a dying man. The man she loved, and the one he adored.

And to forget? All of it? To become the man instead?

The pain Cloud went through- still felt- the guilt of it all...]

Cloud...

[She gently tugged his hands. Tried to tug him to her for a gentle embrace.]

Come here.

[That was his burden. She didn't blame him a wit. The fact he survived after being drenched in mako was a miracle. But that wasn't the issue here.

They both needed to mourn to the person they loved, had left behind: Zack Fair.]

[nimbuster]

[It's something Cloud has never been able to do. Mourn. His mother, his hometown, Zack, Wedge and Biggs and Jessie, all of sector 7, Aerith herself...he never had a chance to mourn any of them, not really. By the time any opportunity existed at all, there was rebuilding to think about, work to do, children to take care of - but those are all excuses, he knows. He could have been grieving and moving on along with everyone else. He just...didn't. And then came geostigma, and he got so lost in despair and self-loathing that he couldn't feel anything else.

Most of all, he's never managed to mourn himself. The future that was destroyed in the flames. The years of his life - years when he should have been coming of age, maturing into an adult - taken from him, irretrievable. His sense of self, his identity, any understanding he ever had of who he was, shattered into a million pieces.

So when Aerith tugs him closer, he lets her. And when she gently wraps her arms around him, he returns it in kind, closing his eyes and burying his face in her hair.]

[planetdialup]

[He needed that chance. The chance to mourn, to process. Everything happened so fast. Everything kept happening. And in a way...he was still so young. He had lost years of where he could have been making friends, hanging out with Zack, doing things that anyone growing up got to do, even in the military.

Instead, he had tragedy, again and again. It's no wonder he had sunk into pain, unable to breathe or reach out.

Aerith rubbed his back slowly, squeezing him. Trying to give him the chance he needed to breathe. Cloud...needed to breathe.

Aerith didn't say anything. There was nothing she could say to that. Nothing would make it better. But she could be here for him. Let him grieve, and encourage him to enjoy a good memory, after.]

[crowned_clown]

[He does have the option, and he appreciates it.]

Thank you for talking to be. I won't keep you.

I hope you'll ask if you need anything.

Oh look, that private lock is back.

[weartearrust]

[NOT 10 SECONDS LATER.]

As far as I know, you're the first person he's ever showed interest in. Ever. ... Before I stick my foot in it, I'd like to ask, is this mutual, or something I should not be trying to encourage?

[There's a thread of uncertainty there. are you safe cloud. do you need an adult.]

[nimbuster]

...ever?

[Cloud's quiet a moment, not entirely sure how to feel about that. There's a part of him that wants to say it's only because Sephiroth spent so much time messing with his head that he's just Sephiroth's favorite toy to play with, but he knows that's not fair. Or at least, it's not entirely fair.

Then Angeal's asking him the question he really didn't want anyone to ask him, which Angeal can probably tell by the way he looks vaguely like he suddenly doesn't want to be here and he averts his gaze.]

It's...fine. Don't worry about it.

[weartearrust]

Ever.

[So what was it about the Littlest SOLDIER? Was it truly as simple as Cloud was the first one to hand Sephiroth his teeth, gift-wrapped in Fuck You paper with a nice Die Now bow? It can't be, that'd be ridiculous.

And yet for someone who'd never been defeated on his own terms..

Angeal raises a hand though; this isn't alright but he also wouldn't exert too much pressure. It's not his relationship to figure out.]

He's my friend, even if he doesn't remember me. You're the protégé of my protégé, and maybe you could be a friend too; I am going to worry about it. I kind of have to. ...But I'm not here to try to push you into something you're not interested in. Sounds to me you've gotten a rough enough deal as it is.

[nimbuster]

[Angeal certainly seems to live up to his reputation for honor, Cloud'll give him that. He's not surprised to find that the man Zack looks up to so much is a kind one.

He just wishes he didn't have to find this out by discussing embarrassing personal shit.]

...how'd you hear about this, anyway? He say something?

[That sure is not an answer to the question.]

after Thrawn's post

[colorofthesky]

[ Some conversations are best had in person so after things have died down a little...Zack goes to find Cloud.

He doesn't call or text in advance - he just goes to find him. ]

[nimbuster]

[Cloud's not too hard to find anymore, back to his usual routines. So he's just in his cabin, feeding the cat-thing, when Zack comes looking. When the knock comes, he pauses to go open the door. And when he sees it's Zack, his brows lift in mild surprise.]

Zack. What's up?

Private | Voice (after pairing announcements)

[neverwaitslong]

Hello, this is Ulla. Your assigned warden for the month. I'd like to meet with you, either in my cabin or wherever you're more comfortable.

[weartearrust]

[That sure is an evasion, and Angeal ... doesn't protest. This was not likely the sort of chat someone wanted from a near complete stranger. He can't help but be invested though, partly because he worries about his friend and partly ... well, now he worried about Cloud too.

There's a reason he doesn't look the twenty five he really is. Too much worrying.]

He spoke highly of you, in terms I don't really associate with casual interest.

[For Sephiroth, it was nearly an expression of undying devotion. And as much as he wants Sephiroth to have some precious relationship like that.. ... Saying the man could be overwhelming was a vast understatement.]

I know I'm a stranger to you, but I'd like to help. In either direction. If he's something you'd like, I might know a trick or two to really get his attention. If you don't ... then as his friend it's my duty to make sure he doesn't make a complete ass of himself while relearning what 'no' means.

[nimbuster]

[Cloud can't help wondering what exactly those terms were - did Angeal get the 'I want us to be together for eternity' speech? - but he's not going to ask.

His tone is wry when he responds:]

Think I have plenty of his attention already.

[A pause, as he comes to terms with the fact that he sort of implied leaning in the first direction. Well...he doesn't want Angeal to think Sephiroth is trying to force anything. He's very specifically not doing that, which Cloud really appreciates; in fact, he keep trying to chase Cloud off. It's Cloud who keeps insisting otherwise. So...he's gotta say something to Angeal along those lines.

But he's not ready to examine his feelings on Sephiroth right this minute. Because if he does, and he realizes those feelings are closer to what Sephiroth's expressed to him than not, he'll have to figure out how to justify that when Sephiroth has ruined and taken so many lives. How could he live with himself if he felt something like that for the guy who murdered Aerith? Second chances are one thing, but wouldn't his friends be horrified if it was more than that? How would he explain it to Aerith? To Vincent? To Zack, who was there when Sephiroth murdered everyone in Nibelheim?

...on the other hand, Angeal is none of those people. If Cloud's going to give an answer to anyone, pretty much the only safe options are Yunlan and Angeal.]

You're not a stranger. You're my mentor's mentor, remember?

[And the guy who first wielded the Buster Sword. The guy Zack spoke so highly of all the time.]

I...hm. Dunno exactly how I feel about it. But...not saying 'no.' Not like he's been pushy or anything, anyway. That's what I mean by, don't worry about it. Trust me, I know what it's like when Sephiroth's really intent on getting his way. This ain't it.

private | voice

[nimbuster]

[Right...new month, new warden. Just when Cloud was beginning to get used to Allen. He doesn't love the idea of having to talk about himself all over again, but who knows - maybe Ulla will end up with a completely different approach.]

Sure. Your cabin works. Just let me know when and where.

[weartearrust]

I'm ... inclined to agree.

[He's seen Sephiroth being pushy too, though about very different things.

But it's not 'no'. It isn't 'I want him to stay away', and it also isn't 'yes I'm totally here for this', and Angeal remains quiet for a minute, puzzling things out. He'd been told what happens, more or less, in very broad terms. He knows Sephiroth's here for a reason. And maybe he never would have been if his only two friends hadn't abandoned him.

It isn't the deaths of family and friends and town that come to mind first when Angeal thinks of Sephiroth.]

But I also don't want you to think it's an obligation, given ... this ship, and our goals of improvement.

[Of redemption. Love could be a very powerful tool for that kind of thing, but Cloud's here to change his own life, that was as important as Sephiroth's.]

Re: private | voice

[neverwaitslong]

Thank you. It's the door with mosaics on Level Five. I'll be home all afternoon.